a letter from maha to self..
sing a song for this unknown way of speaking through others words..
others voice..when am going to say out my words..only in colours
when am going to use my own voice..only in painting..
Child from Syria
To be completely honest
It scares me to imagine
What life would be without you
For this very reason
I ask you to forgive me
For what I'm putting us through
not that am really scared, you know am just angry..
but not to regain maha is my obsession not just a goal
asking for forgiveness from self, for am the one who still hurts maha the most
am the one who is left suppressing maha
am that lover whom never kept a promise..
am the lover whom never loved you..
self confusing my betrayal to self..
for that i ask for forgiveness..
have being mistreating self..ignoring self..lying to self
all the whale declaring self love...
that's what i have being putting maha through..
so its not about love..or self love
is it about beauty or self beauty..
is it about self worth..or worth at all..
the thing with mom is it, maha being fighting her
when all she wanted is for maha to fight for her..
that is not maha resbonsiblty..not that mom had maha by choices..
there are so many things
Against us, I've decided
That I'm not giving you up, no...
that's not even i choice..giving up..is not in me..
although, i know it hurts more to have hope..
i know i can not disbelieve in self in that way..sorry maha
if you want me to give up, it's not in me, that's another pain i add on you
Thinking back, I see what we have
Is something different
I think we've known all along
how fair would it be
To divide this love's existence
Between what's right and what's wrong
what is wrong..what is right..why to judge by a rule..
who's rule anyway..
who's rule anyway..
always wondering if we'll make it
Time will tell you
If it means having you for only a moment
A moment just might be enough
really that's all i want just a moment after all these years..
really, having is what i want..to have me..to have self..not to be self!!!!
Screaming in the silence the promises we've spoken
Come back to haunt me, false and broken
Quiet desperation to see we're lost forever
Searching for water in the desert
No, I refuse to have to do
Without you
LET IT OUT!
Chantal Van Houten
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